Most people don’t personally know any standup comedians. So when they meet a real comedian, they have lots of questions. Personal questions. Questions about show business. And a lot of just plain odd questions that you – as a non-comedian – rarely, if ever, get asked.

So I figured I could save all of us some time by putting together this list of common questions that people ask me, and my standard responses.


Q. What made you want to be a comedian?
A. Actually, I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but my first attempt at it didn’t go well. In fact, my little brother was never quite right after that.

Q. Who are some of your favorite comedians?
A. That’s an easy one. I absolutely love, love, love the exact same comedians that you do! I can’t believe we have so much in common! Come on – let’s dance!

Q. Can I tell you a joke?
A. Sure! Just hold on a second. I’ll be right back…

Q. How big is your Johnson?
A. Excuse me?

Q. Umm. Never mind.

Q. [After telling me a joke] You can use that in your act if you want.
A. I’m sorry, could you rephrase that in the form of a question so that I can use it on my FAQ page?

Q. Oh, sure. Ahh, would you like to use that in your act?
A. I’d like to. But good sense and decorum make it highly unlikely.

Q. Can I buy you a drink?
A. Could I just have the cash instead?

Q. That guy before you was terrible.
A. That was my little brother.

Q. How do you come up with your material?
A. By observing the likes of you.

Q. Have you ever been on TV?
A. Yes, but you weren’t watching. You bastard.

Q. What’s the smallest audience you’ve ever performed for?
A. I once did a reunion party for the cast of The Wizard of Oz.

Q. Do you get a lot of “groupies” on the road?
A. Are you kidding? I’d settle for an occasional “gropey.”

Q. How did you know I had quotation marks around the word groupies?
A. Well, seeing how I’m not a group, I couldn’t – technically speaking – have “groupies.” Therefore, I came to the conclusion that you were speaking metaphorically, so I envisioned the quotation marks. Sorry if I “misunderstood.”

Q. How do you like [our city or town]?
A. Oh, crap. I’m not supposed to be in [your city or town] until next week!

Q. What’re you doing after the show?
A. I’ll probably go use the restroom.

Q. Very funny. I mean, like, are you going out after the show?
A. Oh. Could you be more specific?

Q. Ha-ha. Some of us are going over to [some popular club] down on [some well-known street] to see [some hot local band] after the show and we wanted to know if you wanted to go?
A. Oh! Wow, thanks for asking. To be honest, though, I was planning on going back to my room at [some local hotel], having a cold bottle of [some local beer] and then making out with some local floozy and I was wondering if you wanted to go?

Q. You jerk! (Smack!)
A. Ouch! Hey, I was just kidding! Come back! Okay, I’ll meet you at the club in 20 minutes. Thanks!

Q. Where are you from?
A. My mother! Ha, ha, ha! A guy at a show I did last week said I could use that joke. Now I can see why he was so eager to share.

Q. Hey! You were pretty funny.
A. Thanks. You’re mildly attractive.

Q. Do you have a business card on you?
A. Yes.

Q. Well, could I have one?
A. Oh! Do you have any proof that you’re in a position to hire me? Or is this just for your trophy case?

Q. Trophy case? You’re delusional. I’ve never even heard of you before tonight.
A. But now that you have, you suddenly want my business card? That seems highly suspicious to me.

Q. Forget it then.
A. See! I knew you were up to something!

Q. How much do you charge to do a show?
A. Normally, my fee is $3.2 million per show, plus hotel. But for you, I’ll do it for less.

Q. Say something funny.
A. Piss off, pizza face.

 

Do you have a question for Mike? Ask away…

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